Rep. Jeff Flake (Hater of Earmarks, Not Earwigs), Meet the Beetles! (Asian Long-Horned, Not Liverpudlian Long-Haired)

So here's Rep. Jeff Flake's latest self-promoting Friday "egregious earmark of the week" by-the-numbers press release:

Mesa, Arizona, Mar 7 - Republican Congressman Jeff Flake, who represents Arizona’s Sixth District, today highlighted a pork project contained in the Omnibus Appropriations bill for fiscal year 2008.

This week’s egregious earmark: $351,000 for the Asian long-horned beetle in Illinois.

“This earmark really bugs me,” said Flake.

Yeah, I can just picture him sitting at his desk saying that. Let's just say I'm not the only fiction writer running for this congressional seat, just the only one who can write dialogue with some verisimilitude.

So here's my long-winded response (but I'll end with a pun, too):

Leaving buggery aside, Congressman Flake, the $351,000 wasn't for the Asian long-horned beetle, it was against it.

The money was for saving Chicago's beautiful, hardworking trees from destruction. (So you voted against this before you knew who it was for?)

The Asian long-horned beetle was believed to have arrived in New York City in the 1980s from wood packing material and the first infestation was found on a Saturday in 1995 within walking distance of my pied-a-terre in my native Brooklyn, in the Greenpoint neighborhood, better known for its "Mowimy po polsku" store signs, kielbasa and hipster bands with names like Vesper, Grizzly and The Ghost of Anwar Sadat.

The mission of these little critters (the Asian long-horned beetles, not the hipster bands) was to make sure A Tree Doesn't Grow in Brooklyn. Explains Wikipedia:

An invasive species in the United States, the larvae of this beetle have a voracious appetite for wood. It is especially damaging to maple trees: Norway, sugar, silver, and red maple are among its preferred foods. The species also feeds on horse-chestnut, poplar, willow, and elm. Females of this species chew into the bark and lay eggs. When the eggs hatch, the immature beetles, which look like big white worms, chew their way farther into the tree. When they mature, the full-grown beetles chew their way out of the tree. The beetle life cycle leaves trees riddled with holes, oozing sap. The USDA believes this beetle can probably survive and reproduce in most sections of the country where suitable host trees exist.

Over 6,000 infested trees have been cut down and destroyed to eradicate ALB from New York and over 1,550 trees in Chicago and almost 23,000 trees in New Jersey. Infested trees continue to be discovered.

The US Federal government is trying to eradicate this species primarily for two reasons:

1. If it becomes established it could significantly impact natural forests and urban environment.

2. Due to the current limited infestation size, it is believed that eradication efforts can be successful.

The steps that have been taken to eliminate the Asian long-horned beetle include:

Quarantines. Quarantines have been established around infested areas to prevent accidental spread of ALB by people.

Infested trees cut, chipped and burned. All infested trees are being removed, chipped in place, and the chips are being burned. The stumps of infested trees are ground to below the soil level. All tree removal is done by certified tree care personnel to ensure that the process is completed properly.

Insecticide treatments. Research is underway to determine the effectiveness of certain insecticides such as imidacloprid against ALB. Insecticidal treatments have begun in New York and Chicago in hopes of preventing and containing infestations. Chicago's program of imidacloprid treatments for healthy trees of potential host species within a one-eighth to one-half mile radius of infested trees successfully removed Illinois from quarantine in August 2006.

Extensive surveys. All host trees on public and private property located within an established distance from an infested area are surveyed by trained personnel. Infested areas are re-surveyed at least once per year for 3-5 years after the last beetle or infested tree is found.

I love the Windy City and its suburbs -- well, in the summer anyway. Along with other writers, artists and composers, I spent June 1997 and June 2001 at the Ragdale Foundation in suburban Lake Forest and got to appreciate the summer charms of Chicagoland. Among them are the leafy trees everywhere from the Loop to Skokie to Oak Park -- and I want to prevent more maples from being done in by the voracious beetles.

Illinois has been winning the war against this pest -- even kids have been enlisted into the Beetle Busters program, established two years ago to teach Chicago public school students how to recognize the Asian long-horned beetle, and whom to contact if they discover one. And this war is a lot cheaper than the debacle in Iraq, our enemy is more well-defined, and victory is in sight if it's funded right.

We've got to save the trees of Illinois and every state, and to me, the money allocated by Congress -- a drop in the bucket of the oceanic federal deficit -- will be worth it if we can rid America of this destructive pest.

Speaking of destructive pests...

It's a tossup whether Jeff Flake cares less about maple trees or the struggling middle class families in his district, but either way he ends up looking like a sap.